The Art of "NO"

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees 
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting."


                                                              ~Mary Oliver


I like saying yes.  I like the feeling that comes from being put on important projects and being part of a handful of people selected for a special task.  I like feeling that people respect the work I do and I enjoy feeling helpful.  I am fulfilled by the sense that I have a purpose in a larger mission.  These are good things.

What I do not like is feeling that I’m pulled in so many directions that I really can’t do any of my tasks well.  I am frustrated when I don’t feel like I can dive deeply into a project and get in a good working groove.  I try hard not to sacrifice my health and my sense of balance by agreeing to too many responsibilities.  Though I attempt to have good boundaries and try to choose only to commit to things that feel meaningful and move me along a path I want to be on, sometimes I get caught off guard by a request or fall victim to old fears: If I’m not really busy, I must not be working hard enough…If I say “no,” people will get angry at me or lose respect for me…If I don’t do it, no one will do it or they won't do it well enough.

But there’s nothing worse than getting stuck in a big old harry commitment that you don’t feel you can get out of and that you dread.  So, with Mary Oliver’s words in mind—you do not have to be good/you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting—I follow some basic guidelines for saying no gracefully and definitively. 

• Ask yourself, “Is this something I am interested in: yes, no or perhaps at a later time?”
• Consider how this opportunity fits into your bigger vision of what you want your life to be like
• Keep in mind that saying “no” to trivial requests gives more weight to the times you say “yes” to more significant ones
• Have some ideas of how you might say no ahead of time
• Once you’ve provided a brief and graceful “no,” stop talking—there’s no need to explain

Here are a couple of examples of how you might say “no”:

·    
If the request truly is something that you would like to consider you might say, “This really sounds like something I would like to do, but I’ve just committed to focusing on three other priorities right now.  Would you consider me again in a few months?”
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  OR


  If you are not interested in committing you might say, “That sounds like a great opportunity, but I’m stretched too thin and won’t be able to do it."

These are just a couple of ways to artfully get past the fear of saying “no,” so that you can experience the power that comes from setting clear boundaries.  If you’re still not convinced, consider the possibility that saying “yes” to others may, in fact, be saying “no” to yourself.

What challenges do you have with saying “no”?  What artful ways have you found to say “no”?


Adapted from William and Menendez in Becoming a Professional Life Coach